The Surreal Thoughts of Steven Wright

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."

"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."

"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

"I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."

"It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it."

"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."

"Monday is an awful way to spend a seventh of your life."

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."

"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"The other night I was lying in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered where the hell is my roof?"

"Why isn’t the word 'phonetically' spelled with an 'f'?"

"All those who believe in Psychokinesis raise my hand."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."